So, it's 2 am. No, it's 2:40am. I can't sleep. Got a bit of a medical 'thing' going just now. Hopefully nothing to worry about - but I am neurotic. A mention of the word scan and I'm in a tailspin towards planet anxiety. I'm using the old favourite technique for dealing with it though... Distraction! As a long term solution it doesn't help, but as a short term fix it's a winner.
Anxiety seems to be a more and more common thing these days. Do you think we lead more stressful lives than our ancestors? I sometimes wonder if it is that or is because they were so busy just 'getting by' that they really didn't have the time to worry themselves into an anxious state. Or maybe they did and didn't talk about it. I'm curious to know the answer!
Today I saw a photo, on a social networking site, of one of my exes and his new lady (we're talking over 20 years ago here) possibly my first love. We dated on and off for a few years, sort of, never quite managing to make it work - finishing with each other, getting with someone else, bumping into each other and being with other people. We were kids, it was childish first love I think. Anyway, I have been in touch with him for quite a few years, after a gap of maybe 10, and even though he has grown into a bit of a pretentious know it all ( he's big in to self help, which is fine by me, apart from he preaches at everyone and has to be right. Preaches harmony, but tends to not 'live and let live' - yes, he's an odd one!!) I still have a soft spot for him. I'm no longer besotted, but I remember the good times fondly. The point I was trying to get at.. There's this picture, they look sweet etc etc (they really do) but when we were younger, I never felt good enough for him. He was VERY cute, very popular and generally lovely. I had a rocky home life, a turbulent and traumatic childhood, we were poor and I believed myself to be very un-attractive! But today I saw this photo and thought 'wow, she's nothing special' but he clearly thinks she's beautiful. It gave me very mixed feelings. I was very unhappy with myself for judging her in such an uncharitable fashion. We're not teenagers, full of angst and jealousy and we're certainly not rivals for his affection. I also realised that my teenage judgements of myself were far too harsh. I really wasn't fat and ugly. Why was I ever allowed to believe that about myself? And why after all these years did one photo improve my self worth, especially when the photo in question doesn't include me? I hope they have something magical. I would like to think he has peace and happiness and that she feels as beautiful as I know he will be telling her she is :)
Sleepy and thoughtful now,
Shelley X
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