Yes, today that's is a very accurate heading. I suffer pretty bad with health anxiety. For those who don't now want it is its not hypochondria which is what a lot of people assume. Health anxiety is where you take an ailment or symptom that you are actually suffering and pretty much then obsess with every worst case scenario. It's not nice, you live in an almost permanent state of anxiety, checking and rechecking yourself to see if aforementioned symptom is any worse. It is exhausting and debilitating, not to mention a little bit embarrasing! Having said that, I resolutely do not deny I have it, that feels like I'm ashamed of my weakness and have to hide it. I would rather openly discuss it because then I have control of it not the other way around. Anyway, I'm going to make my neurotic self go to sleep now :D
Sweetest dreams,
Shelley X
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Friday, 1 March 2013
Feeling sleepy...
Hello,
It's well past bedtime for me, not staying on here long. I watched a period drama tonight and am left feeling hopelessly romantic and generally disappointed with the world in which we live. Logically I know they only project a romantic view. Times were hard for most people, marriages were often politically motivated and there were as many 'less than savoury characters' then as we have today... But still, I long to live in a time where manners really count, women behave with decorum and self respect and men do likewise. I'm not hankering for Mr.Darcy, just for men that don't use expletives like punctuation! (Women are not exempt from needing to clean up their act on that one either!!)
(Sigh)
See, some days I'm not going to be politically correct, I did warn you!
I'm going to bed, to dream my little utopian dreams!
Shelley X
It's well past bedtime for me, not staying on here long. I watched a period drama tonight and am left feeling hopelessly romantic and generally disappointed with the world in which we live. Logically I know they only project a romantic view. Times were hard for most people, marriages were often politically motivated and there were as many 'less than savoury characters' then as we have today... But still, I long to live in a time where manners really count, women behave with decorum and self respect and men do likewise. I'm not hankering for Mr.Darcy, just for men that don't use expletives like punctuation! (Women are not exempt from needing to clean up their act on that one either!!)
(Sigh)
See, some days I'm not going to be politically correct, I did warn you!
I'm going to bed, to dream my little utopian dreams!
Shelley X
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Can't sleep...
So, it's 2 am. No, it's 2:40am. I can't sleep. Got a bit of a medical 'thing' going just now. Hopefully nothing to worry about - but I am neurotic. A mention of the word scan and I'm in a tailspin towards planet anxiety. I'm using the old favourite technique for dealing with it though... Distraction! As a long term solution it doesn't help, but as a short term fix it's a winner.
Anxiety seems to be a more and more common thing these days. Do you think we lead more stressful lives than our ancestors? I sometimes wonder if it is that or is because they were so busy just 'getting by' that they really didn't have the time to worry themselves into an anxious state. Or maybe they did and didn't talk about it. I'm curious to know the answer!
Today I saw a photo, on a social networking site, of one of my exes and his new lady (we're talking over 20 years ago here) possibly my first love. We dated on and off for a few years, sort of, never quite managing to make it work - finishing with each other, getting with someone else, bumping into each other and being with other people. We were kids, it was childish first love I think. Anyway, I have been in touch with him for quite a few years, after a gap of maybe 10, and even though he has grown into a bit of a pretentious know it all ( he's big in to self help, which is fine by me, apart from he preaches at everyone and has to be right. Preaches harmony, but tends to not 'live and let live' - yes, he's an odd one!!) I still have a soft spot for him. I'm no longer besotted, but I remember the good times fondly. The point I was trying to get at.. There's this picture, they look sweet etc etc (they really do) but when we were younger, I never felt good enough for him. He was VERY cute, very popular and generally lovely. I had a rocky home life, a turbulent and traumatic childhood, we were poor and I believed myself to be very un-attractive! But today I saw this photo and thought 'wow, she's nothing special' but he clearly thinks she's beautiful. It gave me very mixed feelings. I was very unhappy with myself for judging her in such an uncharitable fashion. We're not teenagers, full of angst and jealousy and we're certainly not rivals for his affection. I also realised that my teenage judgements of myself were far too harsh. I really wasn't fat and ugly. Why was I ever allowed to believe that about myself? And why after all these years did one photo improve my self worth, especially when the photo in question doesn't include me? I hope they have something magical. I would like to think he has peace and happiness and that she feels as beautiful as I know he will be telling her she is :)
Sleepy and thoughtful now,
Shelley X
Anxiety seems to be a more and more common thing these days. Do you think we lead more stressful lives than our ancestors? I sometimes wonder if it is that or is because they were so busy just 'getting by' that they really didn't have the time to worry themselves into an anxious state. Or maybe they did and didn't talk about it. I'm curious to know the answer!
Today I saw a photo, on a social networking site, of one of my exes and his new lady (we're talking over 20 years ago here) possibly my first love. We dated on and off for a few years, sort of, never quite managing to make it work - finishing with each other, getting with someone else, bumping into each other and being with other people. We were kids, it was childish first love I think. Anyway, I have been in touch with him for quite a few years, after a gap of maybe 10, and even though he has grown into a bit of a pretentious know it all ( he's big in to self help, which is fine by me, apart from he preaches at everyone and has to be right. Preaches harmony, but tends to not 'live and let live' - yes, he's an odd one!!) I still have a soft spot for him. I'm no longer besotted, but I remember the good times fondly. The point I was trying to get at.. There's this picture, they look sweet etc etc (they really do) but when we were younger, I never felt good enough for him. He was VERY cute, very popular and generally lovely. I had a rocky home life, a turbulent and traumatic childhood, we were poor and I believed myself to be very un-attractive! But today I saw this photo and thought 'wow, she's nothing special' but he clearly thinks she's beautiful. It gave me very mixed feelings. I was very unhappy with myself for judging her in such an uncharitable fashion. We're not teenagers, full of angst and jealousy and we're certainly not rivals for his affection. I also realised that my teenage judgements of myself were far too harsh. I really wasn't fat and ugly. Why was I ever allowed to believe that about myself? And why after all these years did one photo improve my self worth, especially when the photo in question doesn't include me? I hope they have something magical. I would like to think he has peace and happiness and that she feels as beautiful as I know he will be telling her she is :)
Sleepy and thoughtful now,
Shelley X
Second step..
It's day 2 and I'm still feeling like writing! Yes, this is definitely liberating. After writing last night I spent a little while thinking about how I should write this, should it be diary style? Should I check every spelling in a dictionary? Are there certain topics I should avoid? Questions I shouldn't pose? It took me a while but I came to the realisation that I am writing this for me.. So whatever I choose to write is ok. Obviously, I will remain mindful of people's feelings and have empathy for others - but that's who I am anyway; it's not something I need to work at for the purposes of posting here.
Sometimes there will be spelling mistakes, probably. There will be bad grammar and there will be things that make me cringe when I read it back later; but I'm in the here and now and it's being written the way it is.. So I'm not going to worry!
It's a cold and grey day today, the perfect sort of weather to encourage me to do the rearranging of my bedroom I have been threatening to do for ages, so why do I find myself sat here typing this? I'm not an inherently lazy person, I think I find it a little daunting because I don't know where to start!
I wonder how much people can tell about you by the way you write? We make assumptions don't we? Also, the way we phrase things gives clues to age, sex and even where we come from. I wonder who I would think I was if I was reading this?
My jobs will not do themselves, so I MUST get motivated.
Later,
Shelley X
Sometimes there will be spelling mistakes, probably. There will be bad grammar and there will be things that make me cringe when I read it back later; but I'm in the here and now and it's being written the way it is.. So I'm not going to worry!
It's a cold and grey day today, the perfect sort of weather to encourage me to do the rearranging of my bedroom I have been threatening to do for ages, so why do I find myself sat here typing this? I'm not an inherently lazy person, I think I find it a little daunting because I don't know where to start!
I wonder how much people can tell about you by the way you write? We make assumptions don't we? Also, the way we phrase things gives clues to age, sex and even where we come from. I wonder who I would think I was if I was reading this?
My jobs will not do themselves, so I MUST get motivated.
Later,
Shelley X
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
The first step is the hardest!
Hello!
I'm not entirely sure how I have ended up here. By 'here' I mean in the position that I am writing a blog. I wrote a diary as a child and found it particularly cathartic - until my Mother read it. Something she swore she hadn't done, but then preceded to reference it in small ways over the next few years of my young life. The shame, the violation I felt was unimaginable! All my teenage hopes, fears, fantasies and shameful thoughts - laid out in lurid detail; written in private and stashed away from prying eyes.
Discovered.
Why do we write things down, when by the very act of recording thoughts we risk discovery? I'm not a psychiatrist but my best guess would be that by writing them down we acknowledge them and in turn this helps us to deal with whatever the thoughts or feelings are. As a child it tormented me that my diary had been read, probably because I didn't have the mental capabilities to deal with the reality of my innermost self - as an adult I think I find the thought of sharing, comparing and working through my daily cerebrations, quite liberating!
I'm not going to promise intellectual discussions, fancy prose or even excitement. That's not what this is about for me. It will be what it wants to be, I will let it meander where it will - a mirror to my thoughts.
Until next time!
Shelley X
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